So, you suspect that your neighbor is a zombie, but how do you know for sure? First of all, there are 2 kinds of zombies. There’s the voodoo zombie, a person who has had his or her soul removed by a voodoo sorcerer and the classic zombie that been mysteriously brought back from the dead. These zombies are not to be confused with Chinese ghosts despite how much they may resemble one another. One can tell the difference between a zombie and a Chinese ghost by observing their method of traveling. A Chinese ghost for example can only travel in a straight line as dictated by tradition and can be warded off by curves like the curved roofs on Chinese buildings. A zombie tends to usually kneader about in an unspecified path.
The next step in determining whether or not your neighbor is a zombie is by performing a simple test. Simply walk up to your neighbor and politely ask what they plan to do with their life. While approaching this person, observe his or her clothes for signs of zombification such as dirt and be alert to strange musty smells. Once the question has been asked, search for signs of sentience. Does this person you answer you with a low disparate cry indicating need for brains? Does he or she have a dull, undead look in his or her eyes? If so, you may have a zombie on your hands.
The final step in this process is determining if the zombie is a threat. Zombies aren’t generally particularly agile or intelligent. Have you noticed a necromancer or voodoo sorcerer nearby who could be controlling it? Do you believe that this zombie is the beginnings of a zombie Apocalypse or is it simply being kept around for the amusement of the necromancer or voodoo sorcerer? Why do you think it is that you haven’t seen any more of them? These are all questions that are difficult to answer, but here is a list of precautionary measures that should be taken in the event that you determine your neighbor to be a zombie.
1. Plant a lot of flowers, especially flowers that sling butter on zombies heads like on the “Plants vs. Zombie” game. Zombies hate plants.
2. Legend has it that zombies will not cross water. Therefore it might be a good idea to invest in a Japanese water garden complete with a moat around your house.
3. Finally, make friends with someone who has access to top secret government weapons and information in case you eventually have to make a stand.
4. According to “Zombieland”, you should also be in great cardiovascular shape to avoid being caught by the zombie, so don’t forget to go jogging every day.
If you have any further information please feel free to leave comments. In the mean time, I am going to play “Plants Vs. Zombies”.
Have a great day and do not worry too much about a zombie apocalypse. Even though humans are not considered to be physically superior to many other animals or life forms and there is a decent chance that you may not be able to escape a zombie apocalypse, part of the reason why there never has been a zombie apocalypse may be because dogs would chase them down and chew on their legs if they wandered around too often. Even now, adorable puppies such as the ones shown in the video below are being raised to be man’s best friend and, while fulfilling that role, surely they would help us defeat any potential zombie threats:
Cute video called “My Dog Whistling”: